Like any boy in Utah rapidly approaching the end of High School, I thought a lot about sex...
Wait... I mean I thought about going on a mission.
I had older cousins going, I had friends going, my extended family expected me to go. Surprisingly my own parents didn't push me much on it, most likely because neither of my grandfathers nor my dad had gone on missions. I knew I'd make a terrible missionary, though, because I didn't really have that great a testimony.
Sure I'd felt a "burning in the bosom" during a particularly emotionally-scored seminary video about the resurrection of jesus, and had seen things that at the time I was sure couldn't be coincedence, but I didn't know the church was true as some claimed. I felt sure of aspects of the church but not the entire thing. Think the kid in God's Army only I never actually went.
I'd always wondered about Moroni's promise in the back of my mind. This passage in this book promises a way to gain truth, but who ever said the book itself was true? The book itself telling me to pray to see if it was true didn't make sense to me. But I'd push that to the back of my mind again for a while and forget about it. My first brush with the discomfort of circular logic.
I also believed in the theory of evolution, I just thought that maybe god had his hand guiding it. I never believed that homosexuality was a choice as church leadership purported. It was one of those square pegs that didn't fit into the church's well-machined round holes and I could never reconcile it. It was another one of those things "we'll learn more about later."
So I graduated from high school and started working full-time at Packard Bell and received a free Prodigy account, now chock full of the internets! That's not what I used it for, though, as I discovered Prodigy had realtime chat which was a novelty at the time. Even better still they had a mormon chat room!
Every day after work I'd hop online for a while and do battle with the evil anti-mormons as well as make a few new friends in the process. One of them was this 20-year old girl from Bountiful that I had a great time talking to. We liked the same music, the same movies, and she was a 20-year old girl from Bountiful! A group of us met for lunch, I complimented her eyebrows with some cheesy line about "being an artist and knowing about those sorts of things." I think I understand why she declined my initial attempts to go out with her.
Fast forward past my first real girlfriend, light-petting and first makeout included, to a subsequent breakup not even 3 months later. I decided to look up this 20-year-old again and after some flirty e-mails that made it abundantly clear I would see some action, we got together.
Initially we were supposed to be a mutual "scam", just some making out and then we'd move on. But we ended up liking each other quite a bit and had a great time together, seeing shows, watching movies, just hanging out. Then there was the sex. We didn't jump right in, we waited a good 3 months. There was no guilt right at first either. We were way too busy enjoying ourselves. My 19th birthday was amazing...
Where was I?
Eventually it caught up with us and we came to a fork. Either break up to stop our torrid sinful relationship or get married and make it legal. I liked this girl enough to quash my hormones for the entire year it took to become temple ready. For some reason she felt the same about me. We had a few slip-ups (well I had a few slip-ups and couldn't keep my hands off her) but we felt sufficiently forgiven and were married in the temple.
Let me step back a second and talk about taking our endowments out. We went together to the Salt Lake temple to take our endowments out at a live session. We had taken a temple prep class and Christy had explained to me some of the things she'd learned about the temple from her mom so it wasn't a complete surprise. My dad wasn't temple worthy at the time so my future father-in-law was my escort through that first time. (this becomes important later)
When we went through they still had the bedsheets with the hole at the top for the washings and annointings, and they would still reach through the sides and touch your skin with the oil. None of this bothered me at the time, because I was expecting it and this was the One True Church™. Looking back on it now it creeps me the hell out out and seems not just a little cultish. As somebody we talked to afterwards so succinctly put it "We believe in that?"
The time up to our wedding was a blur as was most of the ceremony, other than having to wear the god-awful temple clothes. I remember staring across at her and being filled with intense emotion but I think even then I attributed it to the fact that I was marrying her rather than it being any sort of manifestation of the spirit.
It was odd throwing the switch back to "sex is ok" after our year haitus and it caused some growing pains for both of us to work through. Thank you so much, One True Church™.
The period right after we were first married was a sort of a spiritual plateau for me. We regularly attended an apartment ward and there were a few other couples that we got along with and gave us a reason to look forward to going to church. I was without a calling and could just attend class and participate as much as any rank and file member does.
We moved to a second apartment after our lease was up and fell inactive for about a year. Surprisingly no one ever tried to find us and get us to attend and we didn't really mind. I enjoyed not having to worry about getting up early on Sundays. Even though I wasn't attending I was still indoctrinated enough to avoid shopping on Sunday, I wouldn't dream of drinking coffee or alcohol, and still prayed occasionally. I still believed it was all true, I just didn't want to bother with attending.
I was in the lows of my mormon-brand spirituality without the weekly mental reinforcement. So why in the hell didn't I leave the church then instead of having to go through tours of duty in the elder's quorum presidency and bishopric before getting out?
Find out in the next installment: From The Heights Ye Shall Fall
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
My Disaffection Story Part 1: Born to Goodly Parents
I was a neurotic child.
I always threw up on the first day of school because I was nervous about starting a new school year with a new teacher. This probably continued until I was in 4th grade when the realization dawned on me that it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it.
I threw up from nervousness about other things as well, including being baptized. I remember having to get another white jumpsuit because I threw up on the first one. I'm pretty sure I even threw up prior to my baptism interview with the bishop.
Pleasing authority, keeping the peace, and not getting in trouble were very important to me as a child. One of the most vivid memories from elementary school was when I was dragged into the principals office because I decided to join a bunch of other kids in the bathroom at lunch and throw wet wads of toilet paper at the ceiling and get them to stick and dry up there. I don't think I got in trouble again throughout the entirety of my school career.
Besides the above-mentioned neurosis, and a few others I'm sure you'll hear about soon enough, I was probably the easiest of the three of us to raise. I usually obeyed my parents, I practically raised my younger siblings when both my parents worked nights, and I supported them financially when my dad lost his job.
I lived in the same neighborhood and the same ward from when I was a child all the way up until I moved out and got married. Our ward boundaries shifted many times which caused the number of people actively attending to vary as well. The ward I remember most growing up was fairly large, large enough to require meeting at a stake center. We had two deacons and teachers quorums and regularly filled the chapel back to a quarter of the cultural hall during sacrament meeting.
I remember being friends with the "good boys" in these quorums, including the bishop and stake president's sons. I was never overly pious but I did what was expected of me and held a few leadership callings in these quorums. I also did what any normal teenage boy does at that time of life and I remember agonizing over whether it was something bad enough to require I confess it. I think I may have actually let it slip once during an interview to advance in the priesthood but I don't remember it being that big a deal to the bishop, just something I needed to repent of and stop doing.
My peers always seemed to know more about the book of mormon and history of the church than I did. I peripherally knew all the stories but couldn't give specifics when prompted. I read completely through the book of mormon once for a seminary assignment, but just bits here and there beyond that. I was always active, though, and participated in all the youth activities, planning some and contributing my artistic abilities when I could.
The church was ever-present growing up but it never overshadowed everything else. My dad was inactive off and on throughout my childhood so we usually went to church with my mom. Once in a blue moon we had family home evening, and scripture study was something most of us chose to ignore. But there were other aspects of doctrine my parents clung to like not shopping on Sunday or not watching rated R movies. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I heard them get up at fast and testimony meetings.
I remember my dad was always very big on teaching us to use our minds to figure out how things work. There were many car trips as a child where I'd pepper him unceasingly with questions about this or that and if he didn't know the answer we'd try to find a book that had an explanation. I've always loved science and I attribute that to my dad.
My parents were just lenient enough, compared to some of my friend's parents, that there was nothing really to rebel against and so I stuck comfortably with the church throughout my teenage years. I was proud to reach each new achievement in the priesthood and gain all these new "powers" and responsibilities.
So with this path I was on how could I skip going on a mission?
Find out in Part 2: The girl with the killer eyebrows.
I always threw up on the first day of school because I was nervous about starting a new school year with a new teacher. This probably continued until I was in 4th grade when the realization dawned on me that it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it.
I threw up from nervousness about other things as well, including being baptized. I remember having to get another white jumpsuit because I threw up on the first one. I'm pretty sure I even threw up prior to my baptism interview with the bishop.
Pleasing authority, keeping the peace, and not getting in trouble were very important to me as a child. One of the most vivid memories from elementary school was when I was dragged into the principals office because I decided to join a bunch of other kids in the bathroom at lunch and throw wet wads of toilet paper at the ceiling and get them to stick and dry up there. I don't think I got in trouble again throughout the entirety of my school career.
Besides the above-mentioned neurosis, and a few others I'm sure you'll hear about soon enough, I was probably the easiest of the three of us to raise. I usually obeyed my parents, I practically raised my younger siblings when both my parents worked nights, and I supported them financially when my dad lost his job.
I lived in the same neighborhood and the same ward from when I was a child all the way up until I moved out and got married. Our ward boundaries shifted many times which caused the number of people actively attending to vary as well. The ward I remember most growing up was fairly large, large enough to require meeting at a stake center. We had two deacons and teachers quorums and regularly filled the chapel back to a quarter of the cultural hall during sacrament meeting.
I remember being friends with the "good boys" in these quorums, including the bishop and stake president's sons. I was never overly pious but I did what was expected of me and held a few leadership callings in these quorums. I also did what any normal teenage boy does at that time of life and I remember agonizing over whether it was something bad enough to require I confess it. I think I may have actually let it slip once during an interview to advance in the priesthood but I don't remember it being that big a deal to the bishop, just something I needed to repent of and stop doing.
My peers always seemed to know more about the book of mormon and history of the church than I did. I peripherally knew all the stories but couldn't give specifics when prompted. I read completely through the book of mormon once for a seminary assignment, but just bits here and there beyond that. I was always active, though, and participated in all the youth activities, planning some and contributing my artistic abilities when I could.
The church was ever-present growing up but it never overshadowed everything else. My dad was inactive off and on throughout my childhood so we usually went to church with my mom. Once in a blue moon we had family home evening, and scripture study was something most of us chose to ignore. But there were other aspects of doctrine my parents clung to like not shopping on Sunday or not watching rated R movies. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I heard them get up at fast and testimony meetings.
I remember my dad was always very big on teaching us to use our minds to figure out how things work. There were many car trips as a child where I'd pepper him unceasingly with questions about this or that and if he didn't know the answer we'd try to find a book that had an explanation. I've always loved science and I attribute that to my dad.
My parents were just lenient enough, compared to some of my friend's parents, that there was nothing really to rebel against and so I stuck comfortably with the church throughout my teenage years. I was proud to reach each new achievement in the priesthood and gain all these new "powers" and responsibilities.
So with this path I was on how could I skip going on a mission?
Find out in Part 2: The girl with the killer eyebrows.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
There were no midgets with electric truncheons involved at all.
I'm working on posting a multi-part epic about my upbringing and disaffection. It's sure to make you laugh, cry, fall in love, it's the feel-good blog post of this holiday season.
Well, at least it'll make you laugh.
I'm working on posting a multi-part epic about my upbringing and disaffection. It's sure to make you laugh, cry, fall in love, it's the feel-good blog post of this holiday season.
Well, at least it'll make you laugh.
Friday, November 17, 2006
I *Love* Post Punk
Please forgive my absence for the week, I'm going to try working on multiple posts at once so the updates should be more frequent from here on out.
You may have noticed a new addition on the right, my current obsessions. I enjoy seeing what entertainment other people are into and figured I would add my own current obsessions to my blog. Expect them to change frequently, the next shiny object is always just around the corner.
To kick it off I'll talk about my current music obsession, Office. I discovered them in the weekly iTunes e-mails that go out informing people about new releases and the single of the week. Office's single "Wound Up" was a single of the week and after hearing it I absolutely loved them. I found a few other tracks and decided I had to buy the album. It's the only full album I've felt compelled to purchased from iTunes.
Anything under the general "Post Punk" banner is MY music. New Order (especially New Order), The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Erasure, Alphaville, Howard Jones, pretty much anything that has at least a little synth in it will get a second listen from me. More recently I've enjoyed the post-punk revival in groups like The Killers, The Bravery, and Office or the synthpop revival in electroclash groups like Ladytron or Fischerspooner.
I've also got some sort of jazz gene passed on to me from my dad. Mix jazz and synth and I'm in heaven. (see Zero 7's "In The Waiting Line" from the drug scene in Garden State)
I like some of the newer indie bands as well. Ros was nice enough to pass on some of her favorites and I've loved almost anything by The New Pornographers or The Decemberists.
Thank the FSM for iPods.
You may have noticed a new addition on the right, my current obsessions. I enjoy seeing what entertainment other people are into and figured I would add my own current obsessions to my blog. Expect them to change frequently, the next shiny object is always just around the corner.
To kick it off I'll talk about my current music obsession, Office. I discovered them in the weekly iTunes e-mails that go out informing people about new releases and the single of the week. Office's single "Wound Up" was a single of the week and after hearing it I absolutely loved them. I found a few other tracks and decided I had to buy the album. It's the only full album I've felt compelled to purchased from iTunes.
Anything under the general "Post Punk" banner is MY music. New Order (especially New Order), The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Erasure, Alphaville, Howard Jones, pretty much anything that has at least a little synth in it will get a second listen from me. More recently I've enjoyed the post-punk revival in groups like The Killers, The Bravery, and Office or the synthpop revival in electroclash groups like Ladytron or Fischerspooner.
I've also got some sort of jazz gene passed on to me from my dad. Mix jazz and synth and I'm in heaven. (see Zero 7's "In The Waiting Line" from the drug scene in Garden State)
I like some of the newer indie bands as well. Ros was nice enough to pass on some of her favorites and I've loved almost anything by The New Pornographers or The Decemberists.
Thank the FSM for iPods.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Best Job Ever
I was helping with the laundry yesterday (because I'm progressive like that) and I was cleaning the lint trap in the dryer. I love cleaning the lint trap, there's something so incredibly satisfying about dragging your fingers across the mesh and feeling the soft lint bunch together in your hand.
I thought at that moment if there was a job where I could clean lint traps all day every day and get paid to do it there would be nothing better in the world. I also figured I couldn't be alone in my love of lint trap maintenance and that there had to be things *like that* that others enjoyed.
Do you enjoy the soft warm fuzz left over from a batch of dried laundry? Is there something else that you find equally satisfying? I'm happy to wallow in my own insanity but I would love to learn of your strange loves as well.
I thought at that moment if there was a job where I could clean lint traps all day every day and get paid to do it there would be nothing better in the world. I also figured I couldn't be alone in my love of lint trap maintenance and that there had to be things *like that* that others enjoyed.
Do you enjoy the soft warm fuzz left over from a batch of dried laundry? Is there something else that you find equally satisfying? I'm happy to wallow in my own insanity but I would love to learn of your strange loves as well.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Death, Ripped off from Belaja
I've got a few ideas swirling in my head for blog posts but nothing significant enough yet that will carry me through an entire post so I'll post lyrics to a Cure song. Something about "when in doubt, post Cure lyrics" right?
I listened to a podcast from the Penn Jillette radio show yesterday. Adam from Cherry turned me on to this show and I've loved every one I've listened to, it's very thoughtful talk radio. Anyway the show I listened to yesterday had Richard Dawkins, a spokesman of sorts for atheism, as a guest and he was talking about his book The God Delusion. That show combined with the lyrics for Where the Birds Always Sing by The Cure made for a particularly poignant moment for me today.
the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
but the world is neither fair nor unfair
so one survives
the others die
and you always want a reason why
but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone
it doesn't speak a plan or any secret thing
no unseen sign or untold truth in anything...
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
you want everything
another world where the sun always shines
and the birds always sing
always sing...
the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
no the world is neither fair nor unfair
so some survive
and others die
and you always want a reason why
but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone
it doesn't mean there has to be a way of things
no special sense that hidden hands are pulling strings
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
and it never is
you always want so much more than this...
an endless sense of soul and an eternity of love
a sweet mother down below and a just father above
for living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
you want everything
another world
where the birds always sing
another world
where the sun always shines
another world
where nothing ever dies...
I listened to a podcast from the Penn Jillette radio show yesterday. Adam from Cherry turned me on to this show and I've loved every one I've listened to, it's very thoughtful talk radio. Anyway the show I listened to yesterday had Richard Dawkins, a spokesman of sorts for atheism, as a guest and he was talking about his book The God Delusion. That show combined with the lyrics for Where the Birds Always Sing by The Cure made for a particularly poignant moment for me today.
the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
but the world is neither fair nor unfair
so one survives
the others die
and you always want a reason why
but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone
it doesn't speak a plan or any secret thing
no unseen sign or untold truth in anything...
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
you want everything
another world where the sun always shines
and the birds always sing
always sing...
the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
no the world is neither fair nor unfair
so some survive
and others die
and you always want a reason why
but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone
it doesn't mean there has to be a way of things
no special sense that hidden hands are pulling strings
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
and it never is
you always want so much more than this...
an endless sense of soul and an eternity of love
a sweet mother down below and a just father above
for living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
you want everything
another world
where the birds always sing
another world
where the sun always shines
another world
where nothing ever dies...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Things I Miss Most
Christy left for her trip Sunday morning and I've been getting regular updates about all the cool things she's been doing for the past few days around Manhattan. Despite the pangs of jealousy I've been incredibly happy for her. She deserves every second of it. She's an amazing woman and I thank my incredible luck that I ended up with her.
So three WHOLE days apart and these are the things I'm missing most about her:
So three WHOLE days apart and these are the things I'm missing most about her:
- Her breasts
- I brought it up once before but her smell. I couldn't tell you what the smell is but I love it
- Her laugh, especially when she's giving me a good natured ribbing about something
- The tone of her voice when she reads to our daughters at night before bed
- Her breasts when she's wearing a sweater
- Her thoughtful blog posts and the conversation she fosters in the comments
- Her newfound love of cooking, from which I reap all the benefits
- Waking up in the middle of the night having had my face pushed because I was snoring. Oh wait...
- Polka dancing in the kitchen
- She's got these snug t-shirts...
Ok so I've got a one track mind. You all saw the Halloween pictures, wouldn't you?
Thursday, November 02, 2006
What's My Age Again?
I don't know what instigated it but I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm a different person from who I was January 2005.
The best way I can describe it is like coming out of a fog bank into a crystal clear sunlit day.
I was very good at being a follower, a team player, someone who excelled at taking orders from others. I was most comfortable being led by someone else. This encompassed nearly every facet of my life from work to home to church. It was way outside my comfort zone to ask me to take charge of anything and I avoided it whenever possible.
I wasn't very good at looking at the bigger view of situations. I'd become focused on what was immediately in front of me. That's not a big deal when you're talking about something insignificant like the order you do chores or clean a room but I was the same way when it came to jobs, bills, big life decisions. Whatever was right in front of me was all I saw.
Becoming aware of these faults was painful and depressing for a short time but it was quickly replaced with exhilaration. Once aware of them I could start making the changes necessary to steer my life in the course I now wanted.
I've since become more comfortable with taking charge at my job and at home. I don't need to be told every single thing to do anymore... just most things. I still stumble, getting fixated on what's right in front of me but each day I get a little better at keeping the big picture in view.
Life is pretty good right now.
And for something completely unrelated, here's to Laura and my readers wanting more Jer-as-Brandon:
The best way I can describe it is like coming out of a fog bank into a crystal clear sunlit day.
I was very good at being a follower, a team player, someone who excelled at taking orders from others. I was most comfortable being led by someone else. This encompassed nearly every facet of my life from work to home to church. It was way outside my comfort zone to ask me to take charge of anything and I avoided it whenever possible.
I wasn't very good at looking at the bigger view of situations. I'd become focused on what was immediately in front of me. That's not a big deal when you're talking about something insignificant like the order you do chores or clean a room but I was the same way when it came to jobs, bills, big life decisions. Whatever was right in front of me was all I saw.
Becoming aware of these faults was painful and depressing for a short time but it was quickly replaced with exhilaration. Once aware of them I could start making the changes necessary to steer my life in the course I now wanted.
I've since become more comfortable with taking charge at my job and at home. I don't need to be told every single thing to do anymore... just most things. I still stumble, getting fixated on what's right in front of me but each day I get a little better at keeping the big picture in view.
Life is pretty good right now.
And for something completely unrelated, here's to Laura and my readers wanting more Jer-as-Brandon:
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