Defining Oneself

I know I promised more light-hearted fare on here but the wheels of my mind wouldn't stop spinning on the drive home from a friends house tonight and I had to get this out while it was still fresh.

I've had a hard time lately adjusting to new realities in my life. I had this picture in my mind of how my life would go, who I was, and how I fit in this picture. It wasn't so narrowly defined that it couldn't allow for some flexibility, as my exit from mormonism has proven. But this picture has drastically changed and I find myself even more adrift than when I lost my faith.

When I discovered the truths behind the church I had a brief period of uncertainty and unease that lasted perhaps a month. I was absorbing as much as I possibly could and it helped ease my transition and I came to grips fairly quickly. I think I had an underlying suspicion all along that reality wasn't as it was defined by the church all along, though, and had little difficulty adjusting.

Recent events are harder for me to move past as I had no suspicion or sign that they would come about. I defined myself strictly by my previous reality and when it was yanked from under me I panicked.

I have no idea who I am.

I have some idea of the types of things I like, opinions on world politics, philosophy and economic policies but I feel like the core of who I am is missing.

Why don't I have any confidence in my abilities in many aspects of my life? Why don't I feel like I can speak authoritatively on any topic? Why do I regularly defer to others when a decision needs to be made? Why is it easier for me to sit a listen to something I disagree with and nod my head rather than say what I really feel? Where's my sense of self?

There's all this information to help you transition out of the church but where can you turn when you need information on yourself? Where do you draw the material from to define who "you" are?

I live!

I can't believe you're all still here egging me on. Most people would have let this joint die with a stifled yawn after a month of no posts.

I only barely deserve this sort of devotion from you all and that's just because I'm dead sexy.

A month or so ago someone told me I have a great bunch of friends who were concerned about me and wanted to support me and I ignored that person. I was hurt and I was nuts. Really. Since becoming non-nuts I've realized the truth in this statement and I'm incredibly humbled by the lengths others are willing to go for my well-being.

This post is for all of you that have been there for me in one way or another in the past month. Every e-mail, phone call, comment, hug, kiss, text message, gift of 60 day subscription to crack-like game service, or offer of support has been immeasurable.

Thank you all so much and I hope I get the chance to repay you in some way.