The Battle of Logic Versus Emotion

Why can't you switch off emotion when it interferes with your ability to do what you logically know is the appropriate action? It's like this nagging younger sibling that won't go away no matter how much you berate or try to reason with it. Sometimes it grows to overwhelm you at the most inopportune moments.

I guess it's like nearly anything else in life where you need to find a balance between two extremes. I just hate the runaway train feeling I get when my emotions get the better of me.

Driven

So much for tomorrow right?

I seem to have lost my notes from my experience and skills learned, thus the delay as I search for them. I promise to post more on this and other salient topics as soon as I find the notes.

Since Christy posted about it I'll say I spent some time in the padded joint as well. I also saw some scary individuals that made me question the necessity of my presence there. Once I moved to the Adult ward where restrictions were loosened I also met some amazing people and learned invaluable lessons.

One thing I'll always equate with the experience is Atlas Shrugged. In the more restricted ward there was less to do and so every free moment was spent reading about Hank Rearden and Dagny Taggart and their struggles against the corrupt and lazy. I realize how stark and simplistic a picture Rand paints about humanity but there's enough truth that it resonated with me.

Throughout most of my life I've been like the unwashed masses in the book who decry "Who is John Galt?" when things became difficult. I shrugged my shoulders and let someone else figure it out. Reading about the vision and drive of these characters, especially in the context of being in a psychiatric ward, helped solidify in my mind that I will never return to the way I was. I will push and push and push with everything in me to keep from becoming stagnant like that again.

The people I admire most in life are those who are driven. They know what they want to do with their lives and they set out to achieve it, no matter what stands in their way. They refuse to take no for an answer and they find a way around, over, or through to get to their goal. The characters in the book are the embodiment of this characteristic.

So I'm learning to retrain my mind to stop giving up so easily, to be more mindful when it's wandering from tasks I need to accomplish, and to work toward goals I've set for myself. It's been hard work and I still slip up but I know if I keep at it, it will become easier to stay in that mindset.

Fuck John Galt.

The Healing Image

I keep thinking as soon as things settle down I'll post more often and then they don't so I don't.

One of the concepts I learned in my therapy experience was the idea of The Healing Image. The basic idea is that you have this picture in your head of the person you'd like to become. This person has the character traits you wish you had, has accomplished the goals you've set for yourself, handles conflict the way you would prefer to, is basically living the life you would live if there were no personal barriers.

You then take apart this idealized version of you. You figure out what parts are different from who you currently are and you pick one to work on. You preferably do this in some way you can keep track of, most likely through a journal of some sort. I figure I can track this sort of thing on my blog and shuffle any really personal stuff off to a journal. At the very least it should give me more to post about.

The vision I see of me has graduated from college with a computer science degree and is working as a programmer. He still enjoys art, though, and sculpts, draws, paints and messes around with computer graphics. He's working on his own side business either developing web pages or computer games of some sort as a creative outlet that earns some money on the side or even just for fun. He's somewhat politically active, fighting for causes and individuals in which he believes. He's not a pushover, unafraid of making his opinion known while remaining tactful and gracious to those around him.

He's also smoking hot. Wait... there's no goals to set there.

Uh he's humble too.

So my first trait I'd like to work on is becoming assertive without pushing past that into the less-socially-acceptable aggressive. I'd like to be able to make my needs and wants known instead of deferring to whomever has the loudest or most charasmatic voice. Part of gaining this assertive trait is recognizing that I have valid needs and wants. It's easy to lose yourself if you feel everyone else is of more worth than you are.

Tomorrow I'll post more about one of the methods I learned in my goal to become more assertive.

The Rest Of The Story

Most of you already read the news on Christy's blog, knew about it already anyway, or are wondering what I'm talking about right now.

We're separated.

That word doesn't have the same power it used to have to break me into a sobbing wreck. The overwhelming rejection, of panic at the future I had in my mind now crumbling to dust, the overpowering feelings of being mentally and emotionally stuck in a place where I'll never get over a person who doesn't feel the same way about me that I do them.

This is my platform to explain my side of the picture and I intend to be respectful to Christy while also trying to sort through what's been the most traumatic event in my life.

I vowed I would never be someone who was divorced, that I would do whatever it took to make things work no matter what. Those plans are well and good but I discovered if even one of you decides they don't want to make it work it doesn't make a difference how much the other wants it. It was a unilateral decision on her part to separate and I was extremely frustrated that I was left so powerless by that decision. I fought it with everything in me and ended up in an acute therapy situation because I just couldn't accept what was happening.

I will post more about what I discovered in this therapy as well as techniques I learned. They feel like something everyone could use.

It's true we married way too young before either of us knew who we were or what we wanted. Stir in some mormon guilt over pre-marital sex and the year long repentance process so we could "enjoy" the "blessings" of the temple and you've got a recipe for a fucking mess.

Though these have certainly been the hardest months of my life I've learned so much about myself, relationships, Christy, self-awareness, my daughters, and the world in general in the process. We're rapidly becoming good friends again and we still want to see and talk to all of you. What she said about me goes for her as well, she's an amazing person and I'm happy I still get to have such a close connection to her for the rest of my life. I love her and want to see her happy.

Don't worry about me though, I'm doing more than fine nowadays.